A few months ago, not many knows that I was depressed. I was in denial and kept telling myself, I was fine and all things are well – my work, community and my private life. I looked normal on the outside and none shows like people in depression. I was still laughing, talking and acting as per normal. But, on the inside, I was too busy trying to figure out how to impress my boss so that I can prove her I can do as per her expectation and prove to myself that I can manage my time well. I was afraid of what people might think of me. I was so pathetic back then. My whole body was shaking if I stop working. Its because I was only sleep 3 hours a day. I sleep at 1am and force myself to wake up at 4 am and still work out dan diet. So, my body expecting me to keep moving 24/7.
Then, I went to general practitioner (GP) and I asked her on my dizziness. Surprisingly, her first question was if I was stress or depress. I was still in denial and she still gave me tranquilizer. I put the drugs in my office drawer and one day during office hour, suddenly, my head felt like want to explode and I can’t hold it any longer. My emotional was unstable, so I took the drug to just prove that this is just nonsense and I only need a sleep. After taking the drug, I was strengthless and felt peace on the inside. I never felt like that before. It felt like heaven. I shocked and kept telling myself that this can’t be real, I was in denial and keep defend myself that I have my faith and this kind of things won’t happen. I was afraid.
I keep it for myself for quite awhile and distance myself from everyone till I finally decided to tell my 2 sisters from my community and my dad. I was too afraid because I did a research on the drugs and it addictive and has side effect. I knew at that time that I have to stop and do something. So, when I told my Dad, his voice was shaky and holding the tears. This was my turning point, I asked God to give me strength to go on and fight my depression. I also believe that because of my Dad’s prayer, I can go on just fine and throw the drug confidently (I was too afraid to throw it and planned to ask for more). A little harder at first due to my body has used to it but I am survived 2 weeks later. Every time my body react on it, I read a bible verse and be still-not doing anything. In short, this has changed my relationship with my dad and also change the way I live. This is the lowest point of my life up to this moment.
Above all, I am glad that I knew how it feels like to be depressed. I am glad that God let me to be in this stage. Now, I realized that the older I am, the more I realized how scary the world is. People compete to have power, people pull you down using words, people will only spot mistakes instead things you done well and people will always put label on you no matter how good you are. The world will always asking more of you while actually what you do now and what you are now is more than enough.
I am blessed I experienced being bullied and victim of words abuse during my school days. Being bullied because of my body size and for not being good enough. I was always care of what people think and always try to feed their expectation. But, since my depression, I decide to change the way I think that its Ok to be who I am. Its Ok to be not Ok cause everything has its own time. My identity not depend on how people think but in My creator-Jesus Christ. I am made to be a blessings and to be a light for those surround me. I pity the people who live in the shadow of worldly things like money, power and wealthiness as standard of living. But, believe me, its never about money, power or else. Life is more than that buddy.
I am not consider myself lucky but I am beyond blessed surrounded by family with strong catholic faith since I was young. I am grounded and deeply rooted in God. I am sure and believe that my path, my dreams is safe and secure in His hand. All I have to do is surrender my self (to let go), be patient, be humble and always make thanksgiving prayer as an habit, trust for everything that He has done – the good and the bad. Remember, He never promised us to always have a good life but He promised to always deliver us from the evil and thats all we ever need. Now, this verse has become my rhema.
I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord; plans to prosper you
and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
I hope that my revelation be a blessings and inspiration to the young people to live a life that is matter.