A Beautiful Messed

Sharing is caring. This time I brace my self to write my personal experience. I don’t know what are the thing that is broken in you rite now. But, hopefully it may bring message to you somewhere or somehow.
About 6 month ago, I started to go into real world and that when my soul, faith, dream & hope were broken. Not too long after I started to spread my resume, Spiritually, i was stuck. The feeling of loneliness also strike me. I was experiencing disappointment with people surround me. I felt like i was all alone.
That time, my thoughts filled with disappointments, worry of the future and what should I do. The broken dreams to make people surround me happy, self-blaming that i never good enough, broken hope to be a good daughter & sister. That 2 months kinda torture my faith.
In those 2 months, I was lost. I was full of negativity and trying so hard to make things the way it used to be. The people who I used to trust, they were no longer in my list. The community I used to attend, it turned out be just an activity to fill up my schedule. I am a messed, I was no longer took care of myself. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I ate all those junk foods. Stayed up all night, and laid down for whole day with those negativity. I can’t even sleep. Once again, I was not happy with my self.
However, still I read bible and did praise and worship depending on my mood. But most of the time I spent my time complaining to God and blaming God. I thought, by doing it, God will pleased with me and give the things that I want. But, He was not. He let me in that valley but He never leave me. It was literally everyday I stumble in broken soul, hope, dream & faith. I was almost give up in life and didn’t know what kind of life that I was living for.
Those 2 months, if I could illustrate our life as a mountain. It was the moments when we are walking uphill to the top of a mountain. It cost me unseen pain, sweat & effort to just get back up everyday to find if there is still miracle.
I do not know how and when exactly I got backed up and deciding to change my lifestyle. But I knew exactly that I was off track and I needed a change. But I do not know where to begin. I only remembered on Sunday noon after mass after my bro went for school aboard last month, no one is home. At that time, I know for sure that my Dad is going to call either me or my elder sist to come home despite the financial term sooner or later. I was scared and panicked. I can only think of How to get a job soon. That’s the time I wake up and determined my self to change the way I thoughts and fight all those negativity with His words. I know for sure that it was God that gave me the ability to pump up my faith in the uncertainty situation.
A little determination brought such a hope that I could overcome the situation by His power. It was not easy. The pull and push of the earthly things sometimes drag me down but again I CHOSE to believe in HIS WORDS and PROMISES in daily reflection. I hang on to His mercy and kindness. Though I am still fighting, I just want to encourage each of you who read this blog to believe that the moment we turn our mind and heart to Him and singing His praises, He will not forsake you not even once. He will come and rescue you. This is not done yet but soon it will and when He said it is done, the suffering will bring such a great joy.
I know how hard sometimes to live in the uncertainty with all the limitation that the world offer and the perfection that the world offer you to be. But, through this story, I learned my lessons.


#lesson 1:
In the great suffering in the demanding world, God taught me to be more perseveres in my faith.
#lesson 2:
In the spiritual battle of emptiness, He taught me to be constant with him regardless how I feel to make my faith alive.
#lesson 3:
He taught me to have total dependency on His kindness & mercy.
P.s: He knows us better than ourselves. It may sounds easy to say but it cost a great sacrifices to understand it 🙂
Stay strong & know the Lord is near.
Believe when it is done, you will be victorious & glorious sons and daughter.
X.O.X.O
GodBless

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